On Finding a New Calling and Going in a New Direction

In February of 2014, my eyes were opened to a way of gathering around the Scriptures that was unlike any I had experienced before.

There were a dozen or so people plopped down on pillows, chairs, and couches around the living room. Rabbi Alan, our teacher, asked us to go around the room, say our names, and share something we had been thinking about lately. After everyone had spoken, he said, “Based on what was shared, here are three passages I think we could study today.” He described what the verses were, and gave us a glimpse at why they could be relevant. We voted, and moved forward into a study of 1 Samuel 1. 

The four hours that followed flitted by in an instant. We talked about the meanings of the Hebrew names and they symbolic narrative that could perhaps be coupled with the historic one. We dug into themes that took us back to Genesis and the delicious word “tov” that I’ve blogged about in this space before. We cried with people who had been relative strangers just hours before about the places in our own lives where it felt like God wasn’t showing up. We wrestled through questions and frustrations about the text and how our stories intersected with it. We were given words of blessing from the rabbi and from each other that felt like the study had been designed specifically for each one of us.

The Spirit of God, the Word of God, and the people of God danced and twirled around that living room that day. I walked to my car in breathless wonder. How is it that I had been a Christian and a church leader for so long and never known a gathering could be that way?

That day was the first of many studies and emails and conversations with this rabbi. I had no idea they would change my life as much as they have.

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When they were in the wilderness, the Israelites were instructed to set up the tabernacle in the center of camp, with the twelve tribes encircling it. When the people were at rest, the fire of the Lord that led them by night and the cloud of the Lord that led them by day would settle over the Tent of Meeting.

It’s easy to breeze past instructional and informational verses such as these in the Old Testament, without thinking about how this would have affected the people’s lives and also how it might inform ours. 

If I were at that camp, looking across to see my community, I would see God between us. And if I were at that camp, looking at the center to see God, I would see my community through the Lord's Presence.

What if modern Scripture study could feel that way?

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At the end of 2014, I left my job at a church. 

I have gone to seminary, been a pastor, and worked in vocational ministry most of my adult life. Yet, when the ministry I was part of came to a crossroads, and I prayed and wrestled and cried and discerned what that might mean for me, I knew God was telling me it was time to leave. 

So, I walked away from the life I had known, without having a clear direction for what that meant or where I was going. I just felt called to follow, one step at a time. Of course, those first steps went into a sort of spiritual wilderness, a time of searching for what might be next, feeling thirsty for validation, letting go of familiar comforts, and pleading for relief. 

In the beginning of February 2015, one year after that first study with Rabbi Alan, the scenery changed to a landscape hope. Just as I knew it had been time for me to leave, I knew what it was time to do now.

It was time for me to lead studies like those I had experienced. 

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They are called “Socratic Scripture Studies,” though I’m still not sure that’s what they should be named. It’s a unique experience that’s surprisingly difficult to put into words. 

As the teacher, I spend hours diving into texts, exploring word origins, historical context, and threads that run from one passage to another. I dig into Jewish roots and ways of understanding I have learned from the rabbi and other sources. I bring that study together not into a sermon or a lecture or an essay, but into questions. Questions that can come to life when a group gathers around them and the Spirit of God helps us see, the Scriptures and each other.

Socratic Scripture Studies are a way of diving into the Bible that mixes scholarly and mystical, practical and pastoral, personal and communal. Even when I’m the teacher, I always learn and grow from conversation and life that happens when the group comes together. The study is uniquely alive with the way the Spirit of God is at work in and through the people who are there. 

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I hesitate to use words like “God called me.” They tend to feel like an unfair trump card that can be played in a conversation. You can’t argue with a someone’s choice of direction if it’s the path God called them to take. You can’t question someone’s ability to play a role of it’s the place God called them to be.

Yet

I cannot talk about what I am doing now without saying how much it feels like God has called me to do it. Not only from what I have learned over the past year of study, but because of how my experience, gifts, and passions all feel like they have brought me to this. I don’t know the details of where this path will go, but I know Who is leading me and am learning walking in trust. I am terrified, excited, and fulfilled by what has already happened, and the potential of what will happen in the future. 

People are leaving churches, feeling dissatisfied with the treatment of the Bible, and griping about the platitudes spoken by those standing on stages. I wonder how this way of gathering could help people feel once again like the Spirit of God is real and the Word of God still speaks.

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Socratic Scripture Studies

Mark, a faithful reader of this blog for a long time now, emailed me recently to ask what I was doing these days. I realized that though I have had conversations about all this with people I see face-to-face, I had not yet described them to my readers. I’ve hinted at the transitions, the wilderness, and the direction shift, but not specifically put into words what I was doing now and how I got here. I am grateful for the prompt to write about this to you. You may have already noticed a shift in my writing, especially how Hebrew words and contexts have crept into my reflections. Now you know why. 

If you are local to Minneapolis, I would be honored if you would join me for a group. You can learn more about current gatherings on my Socratic Scripture Studies page. You can also sign up for my email list so you will be the first to hear about more gatherings in the future. I lead a few groups per month.

If you are not local to Minneapolis, I would be honored if you would consider bringing me to your community. We could organize studies with your friends or neighbors or church group- whoever in your life might be hungry to dive deep into these types of gatherings. Please email me if you’d like to explore that option. These studies can provide the sort of rejuvenation people look for in conferences, but for a much cheaper price point and with a much more personal experience.

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Blogging has played no small role in my process over these years. I am honored that you have stuck with me through all the changes in my writing and in my life. Thank you so much for reading.

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Dreaming Dreams and Finding Contentment

His favorite thing to do these days is drive. Whenever he can, he hops into his red convertible and takes it for a spin, even if it’s only to go around the block. He sits taller and smiles wider when he is behind that wheel.

Did I mention he is not yet two years old?

Driving captures his imagination. He is in cars so often, shuffling his older brother to and from preschool, running errands with his mom, traveling the distance to visit family. He sits in his car seat watching others drive and imagines what it will be like. What will happen when he is the one in control of making that magic machine called a car take him from one place to another.

His favorite thing to imagine is the day he gets to do something he cannot yet do. The day he gets to have something he cannot yet have.

Do we ever really grow out of that?

The dreams that consume a child’s play also consume the adult’s mind. We go to college and look forward to the day we will have a job. We are single and fantasize about the day we will be married. We rent an apartment and hope for the day we will own our own home. We are married and think about what it will be like when we have kids. We have a good job and make plans for the day we will have a better one.

We expend so much of today’s mental energy thinking of the tomorrows we hope to have.

In many ways, this is a beautiful expression of our humanity. We are imaginative creatures with the capacity to change over time. It is a joy to dream about how we will transform throughout our lives.

But in other ways, this fascination with the future is crippling.

We consume our thoughts with what else we want, what more we desire, and suddenly, what we have now doesn’t feel like enough. Our present circumstances start to feel itchy. Our heart looks for more comfortable surroundings and takes up residence in these future imaginings.

And then, what happens if this idealized future doesn’t come to pass?

Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring. – Proverbs 27:1

Life can change in an instant. There are no guarantees of what tomorrow will look like. As we wish and plan in our minds, we cannot let our hearts get too wound up in it all. We have to find a way to hold it all loosely.

We must find contentment in the present         Even as we dream for the future. We must find contentment in the future         Even when it doesn’t match our dreams. We must keep our dreams in perspective.

How?

Perspective comes when we hold onto what is constant: God. A God who loves us. A God is present with us now and will be present with us in the future. A God who brings us joy and peace, no matter our circumstances.

Keep your lives free from the love of money (or the future or plans or dreams) and be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” – Hebrews 13:5

I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength. – Philippians 4:12-13

Do you think a lot about the future? What do you think? How can we dream without losing contentment?

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relational pessimism

In most of life, I tend towards optimism. I dream big dreams. I see how bad circumstances can have a good outcome. I believe I can get 10 pounds of potatoes into a 5 pound bag. There is one area, though, where my outlook tends to be negative: friendships.

I have relational pessimism.

When I get together with moms I don’t know for a play date, I assume it won’t go anywhere after that. When I don’t hear from a friend for awhile, I assume it’s because they don’t value my friendship. When I go into a social setting with lots of people, I assume people don’t want to talk to me.

My pessimism is a wall. I have set it up over the years as a way to protect my hopes from being shattered. But the wall I’ve created blocks my view. My relational pessimism keeps me from seeing potential in my fellow human beings.

Believe it or not, the person who is making me realize this about myself, and making me want to change, is my son. Since we moved, we are all trying to make new friends. We are in that boat together. And while I am being pessimistic, he is being optimistic. The other day, when we were on our way home from preschool, he said some of the most powerful words about friendship that I have ever heard. When talking about another boy in his class, Cameron said,

“He’s my friend. He just doesn’t know it yet.”

What a beautiful picture of childhood faith and optimism. He is seeing this other boy not in light of the possible hurt, but in light of the possible relationship. He is viewing his current reality through the eyes of potential future that is worth pursuing. And, he is basing a care for someone not based on what they have done for him, but simply based on who that other person is.

Friendships are tricky. They can lead to hurt feelings. But they can also lead to beauty and grace. God created us to be in community with others. When we stifle that, we are hindered from being the person God made us to be, and we are hindered from loving the way God made us to love.

God loved us before we did anything to deserve it. God has always related to us in light of our potential, not our current state. Romans 5:8 says, “God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

God also says that when we live in community, and love in the same way, that is what draws us closer to him. Friendships are worth the risk.

This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us. – 1 John 4:10-12